


Good days

by letstrythis



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Christopher Diaz is a Sweetheart, Coming Out, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Slow Burn, Smut, Therapy, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:15:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29528355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letstrythis/pseuds/letstrythis
Summary: Buck is going to therapy with Dr. Copeland. He is working on being able to identify and name his feelings. Some feelings are easier to name than others.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Original Character(s)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 88





	1. Good days

**Author's Note:**

> I will be writing more chapters to this story. I hope you like it. It was just a story that came to my mind.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is seeing Dr. Copeland. They have an interesting session.

Chim’s brother, Albert, is living with Buck now. Buck finds a dress on the floor next to the couch. Albert apparently brought home a lady last night. The firefighter prefers not to disturb them, so he grabs his iPad, and goes upstairs to his room. There is a beeping sound and a middle-aged woman appears on the screen. 

“Good morning Evan”

“Good morning Dr. Copeland” he says whispering and taking a sip of water from his water bottle. 

“Why are we whispering?” says the doctor following suit.

“My roommate is downstairs with a conquest” he says with a smirk. He grabs the iPad, walks into his bathroom, and closes the door. Then he says in a normal tone of voice “you know, it took me back to the days of Buck 1.0.”

“Do you miss that?”

“Meaningless sex to feel the void?” he says smiling “Not really, not at all, actually. I mean, sure, sex is fun, but it was not fun afterward feeling alone in my head.”

“Do you feel different? Like,... are you Buck 2.0.?” asks the doctor.

Buck takes a moment to think about it “Yeah, actually I think it was being with Abby that changed me. I started to open up,... feel…” he says blushing a bit. He looks uncomfortable. He takes a pause. 

Dr. Copeland fills the silence by saying “Let’s dive in those feelings, shall we? How are you feeling today? Are you having a good week?”

“Yeah, actually. I have been practicing the exercise that you taught me last week. I have been paying attention to my emotions as I go through the day. Then I try naming them. Some have been easy, some hard.” Buck smiles shyly. 

“Could you explain a little more, Evan?”

Buck places his hand behind his neck before talking. “Well, I guess like, some are really easy to define.” He looks at the doctor directly on the screen “I get to an unsafe scene and I feel fear, adrenaline, excitement. I save a life and I feel happy, proud, useful.”

“But not everything is that easy.”

“No, Dr. C., some feelings are not so easy to name...”

“Do you have an example?”

Buck knows exactly what he could say, but he remains silent. THAT is a hard thing to talk about. He tries changing the subject. “You know, I have been listening to this song over and over this week. I just can’t get it out of my mind.”

Dr. Copeland smiles, noticing Buck changing the subject. “Ok, why don’t we start there. What song?” 

“Good days by SZA” he says quickly.

“SZA?” says Dr. Copeland with a puzzled expression.

“Yeah, I know, weird name but it is a great song.” Buck answers smiling.

“Do you mind if we listen to it now? One of the pleasures of a Zoom visit.” says the doctor raising her hands in the air and doing a little dance.

“Sure” Buck nods laughing. 

They both listen to the song. Buck is dancing with his head, tapping his foot, and mouthing some of the lyrics with his eyes closed. The doctor looks at him and listens attentively to the lyrics.

“Why do you think you like this song so much, Evan?” she asks once the song is done playing.

“I don’t know, it has a sick beat, and the woman has a beautiful voice.”

“True, but let’s dig a little deeper. Why do you think this song speaks to you?” Buck looks confused. “Ok let’s start with something easier, when you listen to this song, how does it make you feel?”

Buck takes a deep breath while he thinks. “It makes me feel happy” Dr. Copeland nods and waits for him to go on. Feeling uncomfortable, Buck fills the silence by continuing “Well, I guess it makes me feel hopeful… Like, even with everything that happens there are still good days, you know?”

“I just pulled up the lyrics... lots of swearing!“ the doctor makes a funny face and continues talking ”What do you think this line means, and I don’t mean to the singer. What does it mean to you? Too soon, I spoke, you be heavy in my mind / Can you get the heck out?”

Buck takes a moment to ponder the question “Well, I think that would be Abby, my past relationship. I was so in love with her, but she used to feel heavy in my mind. Then we talked, and it was heavy too. But I guess I found the closure that I needed. Now, I feel that she is not heavy anymore. She got the heck out” Buck says singing it in the tune of the song.

“I see, let me give you another line, All the while, I'll await my armored fate with a smile /  
Still wanna try, still believe in good days” Dr. Copeland asks.

This one was easier for Buck so he speaks quickly. “I think it means I am still hopeful. I am now a little more protective about giving my heart away. But I am hopeful. Scared, protective… But hopeful. At least I think I am.”

“I think you are too, Evan. I have seen you open up more and more every day. Sincerely, I think you crave that connection with people. I think you have wonderful friends and family that love you and care for you. I also think you may not really know how to tell them that you love them back though.” Buck listens to Dr. C paying attention to her every word. “So, Evan, I have an exercise for you this week.” Buck looks concerned, he knows these exercises take a lot of work. “I would like you to take time and have a conversation with everyone that is important to you, and tell them at least one reason why they are an important part of your life, ok?”

“Ok…” Buck grabs his neck with his hand again nervously. 

“It will be like last week’s exercise. Some things will come out easy, some things will require a little more thought. Next week we can talk about how it went.” 

They say goodbye and Buck closes his iPad. His mind is still thinking about the exercise. He knows it will be hard. However, he is also excited. Like the song, he believes good days are ahead. 

Buck thinks of another line of the song Half of us chasin' fountains of youth and it's in the present now. He is glad Dr. C. did not ask him for the meaning of this line. However, he knows what this means to him. “The present is now, stop looking at the past, you have to act now.” He tells himself. He knows what he needs to do. How to do it though, well, that’s the part he is not so sure about.


	2. Starting easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby and Athena are having a barbeque with everyone from the 118. Buck starts with Dr. Copeland's exercise.

Bobby and Athena are having one of their classic barbeques. Everyone is there. The 118. Buck’s family and friends. All the people he loves, eating smoked and grilled meats, and sharing some laughter. This is Buck’s heaven. He feels that he belongs. He is so happy that he decides to start with Dr. Copeland’s exercise. Buck thinks of what Dr. C. said: “Some will be easy, some will be hard”. He looks around at the group trying to find his first “victim”. 

Chim and Maddie are talking sitting on the bench. Maddie is laughing at something that Chim is saying. Chim keeps rubbing her belly and making her laugh. They are meant for each other. Buck smiles, but he realizes that conversation will be a hard one to start with. So he keeps looking around. Hen is dancing with Nia, grabbing her by the little arms so she doesn’t fall. Karen and Denny are dancing around them. Michael has joined the group and is making some funny moves while his boyfriend and children look at him in embarrassment and laughter. Buck does not want to interrupt their fun. The Captain is going between the kitchen and the grill trying to prepare all the food. He is too busy for a heart-to-heart conversation. Athena takes a pause looking at the happy scene. Perfect. Buck decides to approach her by the coolers. 

“Great party! Thank you for having all of us over.” He says grabbing a beer from a cooler and handing it to Athena. Then he grabs another one for himself.

“It sure is a nice day. Everyone looks happier under the sun, am I right?” she replies, taking a sip of the bottle.

“Yeah, totally…” Buck is nervous, but he decides to rip the band-aid off. “So… I wanted to tell you that I really appreciate you, Athena. After everything that you have been through, you just keep going. You are so brave, I really admire that about you. You are a kick-ass, strong, and independent Black woman who teaches by example. You are smart, you have integrity... You are a great mother, and a great partner to Cap….” Athena looks confused but listens smiling. “I guess what I wanted to say is that I am glad I have you in my corner. I know I am not always the easiest to deal with, but I appreciate you looking out for me.” 

Athena takes a moment to answer. She realizes Buck just needed to get something out of his chest. Then she says “You betcha, kid.” She gives a loving squeeze to Buck’s arm. “How about some burgers?” She says smiling.

“That sounds great, I am starving!” Buck answers, looking relieved. 

They go towards the grill where Cap is flipping burgers, and the three of them start chatting. Bobby hands him a burger. Buck takes a bite, makes a “this is delicious” face, and gives the Captain thumbs up. Right when he is done and is cleaning up his face with a napkin, he hears a voice behind him.

“Bucky!!” says Christopher approaching.

“Hey little man,” says Buck grabbing him in his arms and holding him tight. They both have the biggest smiles. “Just the person I wanted to see.” He nods towards Eddie, who nods back and smiles. He thinks that man has the most beautiful smile. Buck is getting distracted… He takes a quick breath and looks back at Christopher.

“Why did you want to see me, Bucky?” the little boy asks with curiosity.

Buck smiles. This is going to be one of the easy conversations. He loves this boy with all his heart. He would do anything for him. Some would argue he already had. Telling Christopher why he loves him is the easiest task in his book.

“Well, I just wanted to tell you that I love you very much.” Christopher smiles big. “You are a great friend to me, and I really love having you in my life.” Eddie looks like he is melting inside, but doesn’t say anything. Buck continues talking to Christopher, “I love playing with you, watching movies, reading comics,...

“Building legos?” The little boy asks.

“Anything and everything as long as it is with you. You make my life so much better, Chris.” Eddie looks teary eyed. He coughs and takes a sip of his beer trying to cover up his feelings. 

The boy smiles from ear to ear “I love you too, Bucky.” They hug each other tight, and then they look at Eddie who looks very emotional. Christopher and Buck laugh a little. They both start making faces at him.

“What?” says Eddie with a fake-offended tone. “You guys stink!” he says smiling.

Buck heads over with Chris in his arms to the ping-pong table. He grabs a chair, and helps Christopher get comfortable. Then Buck hands him a paddle. The firefighter jogs to the other side of the table and the two of them start playing. Buck keeps running around grabbing all the ping-pong balls that Christopher can’t hit. He makes it look effortless. They both play and laugh. 

Eddie is sitting nearby looking at them when the Captain approaches.

“They are a good pair, those two,” he says smiling.

“Yes they are,” Eddie replies, taking a sip from his beer.

“Who would have thought? Buck has really changed. He is definitely not the man that I met a few years ago. He is so much more in tune with his emotions. He has really grown... He has turned out to be a great man.” Bobby says proudly.

“The best.” Eddie smiles looking at Buck faking exasperation for Christopher winning.

“I know you two are close... I am glad you have found in each other true...” Cap starts to say when Athena grabs him by the arm and pulls him to a conversation that she is having with Hen.

“Bobby, Hen needs more burgers for her hungry children! You gotta fire up the grill again.” Athena tells him.

“Duty calls,” Bobby says, looking at Eddie. Looking at the crowd the Cap says louder “Who wants another burger?” At least 6 people raise their hands. “Have you guys eaten this week??” They all laugh while he fires up the grill again.

Eddie is left alone with his thoughts. “We have found true - what? What did the captain mean? What did he want to say?” He is confused and continues to mull the words over in his head.


	3. Falling into a deep slumber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In two different parts of town, Buck and Eddie fall into a deep slumber thinking about each other.

There is only silence tonight at Buck’s apartment. He is laying on his bed with his eyes closed, thinking about the day. They all had a great time at the barbeque. Buck loves it when they all get together. It was such a nice feeling being with family. Family. This one is very different from his own who has never given him anything other than grief and indifference. The 118 was his chosen family. He loves all of these people. He would do anything for them. 

His mind drifts as he is starting to fall asleep. He thinks of Dr. Copeland. She would be proud to know that Buck talked to two people today already. Sure, they were two easy ones to talk to, but two nonetheless. He reviews his progress on Dr. C.’s homework. Athena was easy. Buck really cares for her, but they are not the closest of friends. Talking to her was effortless. He admires the woman, and that is exactly what he told her. 

And Christopher? Piece of cake. Buck loves that little boy to the moon and back, and Eddie… well… that was going to be a tough person to talk to... What did he feel about Eddie? Buck wasn’t fully sure. Yeah, they were coworkers, yeah they were friends. But they were so much more... Buck’s sighs are the only thing that breaks the silence of the still room.

He wonders why Eddie was acting so weird at the barbeque. He was normal at first, but after Chris and Buck returned from the ping-pong game, Eddie was really cold. Something was up with him. Buck prays he is not doing something stupid again like street fighting. Buck rubs his fingers over his temples while he worries about Eddie. 

He starts to drift off, thinking of the brown-eyed firefighter. Somehow, Buck imagines that they are together in Santa Monica. Christopher plays busily on the semi-wet sand by the water with some beach toys. He is making a big castle with a moat all around it. He looks so happy. Eddie and Buck are just a few feet away, watching over him. Eddie is sitting down on a beach towel while Buck is laying with his head on Eddie’s lap. The tanned man is caressing Buck’s curls, while they are both chatting and laughing. Buck is stroking one of Eddie’s thighs while they talk. They look so comfortable together. Christopher glances over at them, waves and smiles. They wave back beaming. Then the boy goes back to playing. Eddie bends over to kiss Buck, and he returns the kiss placing a hand on Eddie’s neck. 

For a quick second Buck comes back to reality, and freezes in fear. He is loving the dream but… Why is he dreaming of kissing Eddie by the sea? What is Dr. Copeland doing to him? Since when does he have all these feelings? Have they always been there? 

However, the moment passes once he takes a deep breath. He falls into a deep slumber soon after he returns to his dream at the beach.

\- - -

All the way on the other side of town, Eddie just put a tired Christopher to sleep. He grabs a cold beer from the fridge and walks into the leaving room. He opens the window. He loves hearing the sounds the city makes at night. Eddie sits down on the couch exhausted. He is still thinking about Bobby's words. What did he mean? It is not the first time he is thinking about this issue, that is for sure. Buck and Eddie are really close. There have been times before when people thought they were together. They are just friends... They are just friends that work together, spend their days off together, go shopping together, raise a child together, care deeply about each other, they are just friends that would die for each other… Normal friend’s stuff, right? Oh god… He covers his eyes with his hands. He groans.

Eddie takes a few sips from his beer, and he lays down on the couch. The TV is making noise in the background, but he is not paying attention to it. He thinks of the barbeque. He loved seeing Buck with Christopher. Eddie knows how lucky he is, he has the best kid in the world. He loves how Chris loves Buck. His son adores him. Well, they both adore each other. Buck is such an important person in Christopher’s life. And what was that about when Buck said all those wonderful things to his son? Eddie was so emotional he was going to explode. What was up with Buck? Was he ok? He looked so cute in that t-shirt at the party. Blue looks so good on him, it really brings out the deep blue in his eyes. Those eyes… Eddie loved looking at them. They always calmed him down. Buck had a way of looking at Eddie that made him feel so peaceful. He really wishes those blue eyes were looking at him now.

Eddie smiles thinking of Buck. He takes a deep breath, listens to the sounds coming in from the window. LA at night is noisy. Cars, laughter, music… Those are the sounds that calm him when he is riled up like this. Silence scares him so much. It only reminds him how lonely he is. He is so tired of being alone. Being alone looking for the right person is one thing. Being alone when you have found them… that sucks!

He closes his eyes and imagines Buck sitting next to him. Maybe this time he would be able to tell him how he felt. Two years trying to gather up the courage. What was up with that? Eddie considers himself a brave man, but not when it comes to Buck. He is so scared. All he wants to do is tell him “Hey, Buck do you, like, want to stay here for, like, forever?” he scoffs “Dios santo…”. 

Eddie turns the lights and the TV off, closes the window, and heads to his bedroom. He is exhausted. He doesn’t even brush his teeth. He peels his t-shirt and pants off and gets into bed. He is wired up from all his thinking. 

However, the moment passes once he starts winding down. He falls into a deep slumber soon after he returns to his classic dream where Buck is cuddling with him in bed.


	4. Hen, the mind reader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whatever Buck is feeling is ok, Dr. Copeland taught him that. “Feelings are always right, Evan. They only bring trouble when we don’t deal with them correctly, or when we try to make others responsible for how we feel.” And he just did both...

Buck, Chim, and Eddie are changing into their uniform in the locker room. The day just started. Chim and Eddie are talking about the weekend and the barbeque. Buck seems to be minding his own business, quiet in the corner. 

“I hope we have an easy day today. Maddie had indigestion after the barbeque, and we spent most of the night wide awake.” Chim says yawning. 

“This is just the beginning! Just wait until you have the baby. You should forget about sleep altogether, bro!” Eddie says with a knowing look. Chim gives him a sad look. “Don’t worry, it only lasts until... they move out of your house.”

“Yeah, yeah… thanks, man. Always so helpful!” Chim responds with sarcasm.

Buck is awfully quiet in front of his locker. He cannot even bring himself to look at Eddie. After that dream, now all he can think of is Eddie kissing him. What was that about? Clearly, his mind is trying to tell him something. Buck is not really good at listening though. He is trying to avoid Eddie’s eyes at all cost. He is just going to try to avoid him altogether until he figures all of this out. 

“What is up with you, Buck? I have not seen you this quiet in three years!” Chim saying walking up to his locker. 

Buck lifts his head slightly, and the image of a shirtless Eddie greets him. Buck notices the way his muscles are perfectly chiseled, and how his beautiful brown skin glistens. He closes his eyes turning towards his looker again. For a split second, he thinks of how it would feel to lick Eddie’s torso pinning him down in bed… The thought is quickly interrupted by Eddie’s chuckles.

“Seriously! You are always a chatterbox in the morning. You are the reason I need to have an extra cup of coffee at home before I get here.” Eddie tells him, smiling.

“Well, I guess you didn’t need one today.” Buck answers coldly. Then he slams his locker door shut, and he exits the locker room, leaving a puzzled Chim, and a hurt Eddie behind. 

“What the hell was that about?” Eddie asks Chim with a surprised face.

“Trouble in paradise?” the shorter man whispers shrugging his shoulders. However, then he realized that Eddie is hurting, and he adds “Did you do anything to deserve that?”

“Not that I know...” Eddie whispers with a sad face. 

Buck arrives at the kitchen and nods at the Captain who hands him a plate with toast, eggs, and bacon. He sets the plate down by the counter and bows his head to Bobby as a sign of thank you. Then he wolfs down his breakfast and cleans his plate. By the time Chim and Eddie are climbing up the stairs, Buck is leaving the kitchen. Eddie tries to look at him, but Buck is looking down refusing to make eye contact. 

Eddie is saddened, he doesn’t understand what he did to deserve Buck’s cold shoulder. He just wants to make him happy. True, he is not really good at showing his emotions, but he is trying. All he wants to do is show Buck how much he cares for him... The Captain sets two plates at the table pulling Eddie out of his thoughts. They start eating their breakfast in silence. Eddie is mostly moving food around on his plate. Chim looks at him with a concerned expression. Bobby is left confused by the stove trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. 

Buck goes outside and sits on the floor with his back on the station’s front wall. Hen sees him get out in a hurry, and she is slowly walking towards him giving him a few minutes to de-escalate. Hen knows Buck very well. She knows when he needs a moment to work things out in his head. However, she also understands the responsibilities that come with this job. They have to be in the right mindset, or it can cost someone their life. That alarm can sound at any minute, and they need to be ready for it.

“Hey Buckaroo.” She says sitting next to him after a few minutes.

“Hey...” He answers with a faint smile. Even when he is mad, he can appreciate Hen’s company. She always brings him peace and calm.

“Wanna talk about it?” Hen says looking at the horizon.

Buck shakes his head. Hen grabs his hand. She starts rubbing and caressing his knuckles while they both look at the street. Even though Buck is confused and angry at himself for how he is acting like a child, he recognizes that Hen is probably the woman who knows him best, apart from Maddie. He thinks of Dr. Copeland, and the damn exercise that started all of this. Now that he thinks of it, Hen would be easy to talk to.

He turns to her, and says, “You know Hen, you are probably the best girlfriend I have ever had. You have always been there for me since the beginning. I have always been able to talk to you about everything. You have kept it real for me over the years... I guess what I am trying to say is that I really appreciate your honesty and your council. You are freaking smart, and you give the best advice, even when I do not follow it…” they both chuckle, “I love you Hen.”

“I love you too, Buckaroo.” She looks down at his hand and gives it a little squeeze. After a moment she adds, “And since you love it when I keep it real, I’ll say this: You better figure out whatever you are trying to figure out quickly because people get hurt when they wait too long, you know?” She looks up to meet Buck’s confused eyes, and she smiles at him calmly.

How did she do that? Buck asks himself if Hen can read his mind. Hen always does that. She can read him like a book. Furthermore, she always says something that stirs Buck into the right direction somehow. The only problem is this time there is not a right or wrong direction. Whatever he is feeling is ok, Dr. Copeland taught him that. “Feelings are always right, Evan. They only bring trouble when we don’t deal with them correctly, or when we try to make others responsible for how we feel.” And he just did both! He is not proud of how he acted with Eddie. He just needs to figure out what the hell he is feeling and deal with it. He better do it quickly, Hen is right as usual. 

The sound of the fire alarm wakes them up from their relaxing trance. Buck jumps and holds out a hand for Hen. She takes it and gets up. They start running and the crew gets ready to go in under 5 minutes. They all get inside the truck and Buck glances at Eddie who is looking down at the floor. He gives him a soft bump in the arm, which pulls Eddie out of his own thoughts. He looks up at Buck giving him a serious look. 

“Hey man, I just wanted to say I am sorry. I was rude to you in the lockers. I shouldn’t have.” Buck apologizes flatly.

“It is ok...It’s not important… But, are YOU ok?” Eddie says with a worried look. Buck looks at him and fixates on the way his lips make a Cupid's bow. 

“Yeah…” Buck lies and looks out of the window. Buck knows he has a lot to figure out if he cannot even look at Eddie without thinking of kissing him. Is he attracted to Eddie? Is he just curious? Why is he being a dick to him? It’s starting to remind him of Eddie's first day at the 118. Buck was terrible then. Was he feeling the same two years ago and did not know how to process it? Has he always been in love with Eddie? What the hell is going on?


	5. Hormones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie, Chim and Buck have a virtual coffee date full of hormones.

Buck is holding his iPad laying on his couch. Maddie and Chim are on the screen. They are all having a cup of coffee. 

“I have to say I am loving these weekend coffee dates, guys. I love seeing you, Mads, you are looking more beautiful each day.” Buck says smiling.

With all this virus madness, Buck has not been able to see Maddie in person. She is more at risk since she is pregnant, and they do not want to risk her health. They miss each other so much, they decided to meet up once a week for a coffee date. Chim has been joining in too, and they have been having a lot of fun. Sometimes they play games, sometimes they just chat. Maddie is very sensitive with her pregnant hormones, so there has been a lot of crying too. Happy crying, as she always says. 

“You mean bigger...” Maddie says rubbing her belly. Chim shakes his head disapprovingly and blows a raspberry.

“You are pregnant! And for the record, you are the most beautiful pregnant lady I have ever seen. And I have seen a ton in my line of work.” Chim answers pointing a finger up.

“I concur! You look lovelier than ever. Your smile could light up this whole city!” Buck adds smiling.

“Thanks, little brother.” Maddie takes a pause and then looking a bit mischievous, she adds “So… I’ve heard, you are not smiling much yourself these days…”

Buck tightens his jaw, and looks at Chim, who quickly says “Gotta go!” He swiftly stands up and leaves the room. Buck hears the door close. 

“I see...” Buck says with an amused look.

“Come on Evan, you know you can tell me anything.” Maddie pouts.

Buck wants to tell her about what happened at the station with Eddie. He wants to tell her about the dream too, and ask her what she thought about it. Maddie would surely know what was going on and what to do. Sometimes Buck thinks that Maddie knows what he is feeling before himself. But Buck is not ready to even say these things out loud. He doesn’t have the words to explain these feelings yet. He will talk to Maddie when he is ready.

“Well Mads, as you know I have been seeing a therapist. Truth is, I have been working on my emotions. And it is hard work, you know? Dr. C. says that I hide my true emotions from others so I am trying to open up more.”

“That is great, Evan! I am proud of you and the work you are doing on yourself. This could really improve your life.” Maddie says, with a wide smile on her face. 

Maddie knows Buck is all heart. However, she also knows in the past he has not been very lucky with love. He either had no emotions, or he had too many. Lots of meaningless conquests or unrequited love. She knows Buck like the palm of her hand. She also knows that Buck is in love now, even if Buck does not know yet. She is patiently waiting for him to figure it out. Till then, she is just there for him, like she always has. 

“Actually this week I have an assignment. I have to tell the people I care about why they are important to me.” 

“Oh, oh, me, me, tell me! I am so emotional with all of these hormones, it will be great!” Maddie says jumping up and down on the couch. Buck lets out a chuckle. 

“Well Mads, I think you are the best sister I could have asked for. You have always been there for me.” Buck clears his throat, and gets a little more serious when he says, “You have been more family to me than our parents. You taught me everything I know about love, friendship, and perseverance, even if it took many years to set in…” they both smile, looking a little emotional, with tears in their eyes “You are so strong and resilient. I am so proud of you for not giving up on love. You have found a great partner in Chim, and you are both going to be so happy with your little one, and I am going to be the best uncle in the world. I am going to spoil that girl so much!! Just you wait! I could not be more excited. I love you, sis, with all my heart.” Buck lets some tears run down his cheeks.

Maddie lets out a big sob, and with a weird crying voice she says “I wove jyou tchu.” Then she starts crying profusely. Buck is confused and sits up on the couch worried. At that moment Chim enters the room with a box of tissues and sits next to Maddie. He wraps her up with his arms, and he caresses her side, shushing her sweetly.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Buck adds with a confused look meanwhile he scratches the back of his neck like he does when he is uncomfortable.

“Oh, it’s totally ok. She gets like this around 15 times a day…” Chim says, and Maddie punches him on the side while she keeps crying loudly.

“It’s the hormones, ok???” She cries, and then she grabs a tissue, and blows her nose hard, making a trumpet-like sound.

Buck smiles “Well, I am glad you got Chim there. You guys are perfect for each other. Chim is so sweet to you. You guys are so lucky you found each other. Chim you are family now, man. You are going to be the father of my little niece. I know you are going to be a great dad because you are a great person. You have loved my sister with bravery, keeping her company at the worst moments of her life. You have been patient with her, and loving and caring. I could not be happier for you three. You guys are going to make the most perfect family.”

Now is Chim who grabs a tissue and starts tearing up without making any sounds. “You Buckleys are going to kill me!!” and they all start laughing.


	6. Checkmarks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long day, locker room, lots of things to check off the list.

The 118 just finished a really hard shift. It was call after call after call. They are all anxious to go home and sleep. It’s very late and they are all spent. Buck waves goodnight to everyone and heads to the locker room. He decides to shower at the station, cleaning the day out of his body before he can go home and relax. The water falls down his head, bringing him warmth and comfort, he is finally relaxing. He gets out of the shower and walks towards the bench. He is naked with a towel around his waist in front of his locker when he suddenly feels someone approaching him from behind. Before he can turn to face them, the person places both hands on Buck’s ass and squeezes it tightly. Then leans over his ear and says “Hey, handsome...” Eddie’s unmistakable breathy voice sounds like music to Buck’s ears. He has to close his eyes for a second, trying to keep under control the erection that is fighting to form under his towel.

Eddie starts moving his hands in an upward motion caressing his naked back. He follows his spine and leaves soft touches on his muscles. He gets to the shoulders, and places each of Buck’s arms in a 90-degree angle, grabbing him by the wrists and pinning him down to the locker. Buck can feel the cold metal against his forehead and his tummy. The chilly sensation sends shivers throughout his body. Eddie pushes his hips against Buck’s ass again and again. He wants to ask Eddie what he is doing, but no words can form in his mouth. The grinding is making Buck feel dizzy, as he is drunk on Eddie’s smell and touch. 

Eddie nips at Buck’s earlobe in a sexy manner, and he whispers “I’m so happy to see you…” The blonde man can feel the impressive erection on Eddie’s pants against his ass, and it is too much. Knowing that Eddie is hard because of Buck, makes him hornier than he thought possible. He moans softly, feeling how the air is leaving his lungs when Eddie hums behind him by his neck.

“What will I do to you...?” Eddie says licking Buck’s neck and adding a little more pressure to his hold on the wrists.

“You-you can…” Buck trails off, but the way Eddie starts grinding his erection harder against his ass distracts him.

Eddie laughs, fully aware of the effect that he is having on Buck “What did you say?”

In a swift move, Eddie releases his grip off his wrists and turns Buck so they are facing each other. He waits until Buck opens his eyes to focus on him. Eddie’s eyes look darker than ever, the brown in his iris like a moonless winter night, while he smiles cockily.

He sticks his tongue out and licks Buck’s face in an upward motion from his chin all the way to his forehead. Buck shivers, his eyes full of lust, his breathing agitated, his cock inevitably hard.

“First, I am going to kiss you until your lips look red and flushed. Then, I am going to get on my knees and give you the best blowjob of your life. Lastly, I want you to come in my mouth while you shout my name. Understood?” Eddie says, looking very serious.

Buck does the only thing he can do and nods, his brain feeling like jelly, and his blood so hot, he thinks his whole body is going to melt from the heat.

Eddie then cups his jaw in his hands and kisses him so deeply, and with such passion that Buck feels his heart is going to beat out of his ribcage. Eddie’s hands start caressing him everywhere, leaving little shocks of electricity wherever they land. Their mouths keep kissing at an increasing speed, and Buck feels he needs some air because he is getting dizzy. He separates from Eddie’s lips whining, and he desperately licks and bites at Eddie’s neck, making the brown-eyed man moan loudly against his hair. Buck feels more comfortable now that he has gotten Eddie to surrender a little bit of control. In a quick move, he pulls Eddie’s shirt up and out of the way and admires his beautiful torso. He has seen Eddie shirtless a thousand times, but this is the first that he can take a moment to admire his chiseled body and adore him as he deserves. After a few seconds, minutes, or hours, who knows, Eddie jumps back to his mouth and kisses him again and again with desperation. Then he pulls away leaving Buck chasing forward, wanting more, while he looks at his lips.

“Lips red and flushed, check.” Eddie draws a checkmark in the air. He looks full of himself when he says “Now, the next thing on my list was…?” He is expectantly waiting for Buck to continue. Buck tries to kiss him, but Eddie moves out of the way. “I said, what was the next thing on my list.”

“G-get o-on your kn-knees” Buck stutters.

“And…?”

“Eddie…” Buck pleas, but the older man shakes his head.

Buck lets out a frustrated sigh.

Eddie slams his hand against the metal locker, looks at him in the eyes, and says, “Come on Evan, do you want this or not?”

Buck doesn’t know if it’s the way that he is looking at him, or the use of his first name, or how much he really wants this, but suddenly he feels empowered.

“You are going to get on your knees, and give me the best blowjob of my life.” Buck is surprised how his voice came out so confidently. 

Eddie smiles, “That’s right.”

He kisses Buck again, this time just a chaste peck on the lips. Then he pulls away, and winks at him, right before getting down on his knees. Eddie grabs the towel, and throws it forcefully on the floor, and burrows his face against Buck’s pubic hairs taking a deep breath and pushing out hot air against his dick.

“God… I’ve wanted this for so long…” Eddie says, and Buck realizes that he too has wanted this all along. Not only sex but intimacy. All his prior doubts seem to have vanished, his worries gone. All he wants to do is give himself up, surrender his body and soul to the god that is kneeling in front of him.

Eddie glances at Buck who is looking at him and licks his lips shamelessly. Buck recognizes that he has never been harder in his life. Then he gr…

The alarm clock sounds. He places his hands on Eddie’s shoulders. “Eddie, the alarm clock is going off. We need to… Wait. Alarm clock? What?” Buck opens his eyes, and he is back in his loft. His bed sheets are covered in sweat just like him. He is breathing fast, panting a little.

Fuck. Another dream. And what a dream… Buck covers his head with the pillow and lets out a small growl. His morning wood is uncomfortable under his boxers briefs. He really is harder than ever… He pushes the pillow to the side. He closes his eyes and thinks about the dream. It was so vivid, he can still identify Eddie’s breath next to him. He tries to remember everything…

He can almost feel Eddie now on his knees grabbing his dick. He strokes it softly and takes it in his mouth while looking at Buck. In his bed, Buck starts to masturbate frantically imaging how Eddie’s mouth must feel around his cock. He wonders if Eddie would like to taste him inside his throat. He asks himself if Eddie would moan while bobbing his head up and down, and up and down again in ecstasy. Buck is so close now, and with a couple of expert strokes, he finds the much-needed release he was looking for. While he reaches his orgasm he finds himself whispering Eddie’s name. When he finally starts breathing again, he draws a checkmark in the air, smiling.

He may or may not be gay, he may or may not be bi, or pan, or any other letter of the alphabet. But at that moment, as he is cleaning up his chest with a dirty t-shirt, it is clear to him that he is definitely attracted to Eddie.


	7. Know your rights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christopher is learning a lot at school. That kid is so smart. Smarter than anyone!

The shift is almost over. Buck has been avoiding Eddie all day. He can’t bring himself to even look at him. All he can see is Eddie winking at him, and then getting down on his knees burying his face on Buck’s groin. Buck tries to keep himself busy, but all he can think about is Eddie. He is really trying to figure out what all of these dreams mean. He has always been drawn to Eddie, but he just thought… Well, what did he think? Buck is so confused. He loves Eddie, I mean, of course, he does. Eddie is his best friend! They have each other’s backs, that’s the deal. But, does he _love_ Eddie? He really wishes he could talk to his best friend about it. However, he cannot do that when all he can think about is kissing said best friend. 

Eddie is getting annoyed at Buck. They have not talked in two days. That has never happened since they became friends. They are always talking at work, and then they are texting after. They hang out all the time. Even Christopher asked about Buck last night. What is going on with him? Buck and Eddie usually pick Chris up from school and hang out together. Today they haven’t even talked, let alone made plans to meet after work. Only 5 more minutes till the end of their shift. Eddie sees Buck heading to the lockers, and he follows him jogging. 

“Hey man, do you want to come over. Pizza and a movie?” Eddie is smiling trying to act normal. There is a lump in his throat because he thinks Buck will say no. He is still hopeful. All of this crap is breaking his heart. Why is he avoiding him? He grabs his neck with his right hand nervously and cocks his head waiting for Buck to answer. 

Buck looks at him for a second, and he feels how all the air gets sucked out of his lungs. Eddie is looking so... beautiful. The shy smile, the hair falling over his forehead, his hand tucked behind his neck revealing his strong arm. He looks like a model in his blue uniform. All he wants to do is say yes. Of course, he wants to hang out! Eat some pizza, watch a movie, play Legos with Chris, help him with his pajamas, and tuck him in bed. Then go back to the couch, make out like horny teenagers, and then tuck Eddie in bed after he fuck his brains out. Sounds like a plan! Buck is overwhelmed by how much he wants this. How much he wants Eddie, sure. However, he is more dumbfounded by the realization that he wants to be with Eddie, be a part of his life, share something with him and Chris. He is so scared. Scared of never having the courage to talk to Eddie, scared of losing him if he did.

“Can’t do, sorry” he answers coldly. Eddie can feel all his hopes crashing down.

“What’s up? Do you have a hot date?” Eddie asks, trying to be funny, but in reality, he just really needs to know. Maybe Buck has been weird because he has someone new in his life.

Buck thinks that is the perfect excuse. Eddie will not push him to know more if he says yes. Buck is looking down when he lies. “Yep”.

Eddie feels a punch in his gut. He is hurt, and Buck is acting so weird, he needs to get out of there as soon as possible. He grabs his backpack, and without even changing he leaves the locker room quickly. He raises a hand as he leaves “Have fun. See ya…”

When Buck is turning to say goodbye, he is already gone. Buck sits on the bench, feeling terrible. Why did he say that? He clearly hurt Eddie. “Fuck” he says standing up, and hitting the locker with his fist. He is so angry at himself for his behavior. 

He is not ashamed of his sexuality. He is a hot guy in the 21st century. He had stolen a firetruck to have sex in a public place, for fuck’s sake...And it was not because Eddie is a man either. He had experimented a little when he was younger. A couple of threesomes, and a few drunken blowjobs. But this was different, and he knew it. If they got together, it would not be just a wild night of sex. He knows this. If they start something, everything will change forever. So he needs to be very sure before he takes the next step. He is scared of losing Eddie. But if he keeps pushing him away, he will end up losing him anyway. Buck is so overwhelmed. He changes into his civilian clothes, packs his bag, and heads home, stopping at a liquor store on his way. 

Eddie gets in the car and slams the steering wheel. He is so angry and so jealous. He wishes he could go to a street fight, and just punch the living crap out of someone. He knows he cannot do that. The last time he did, he really regretted it. Now that he thinks about it, the last time he did, he was also angry with Buck. He had left him behind when he decided to sue the department. Eddie is not really smart when it comes to his feelings, but he can put two and two together. He hates it when Buck leaves him. Truth is, he hates it when Buck is not in his life. 

For a second there he thought they were slowly building something together. He really thought… What did he think? But Buck has a date tonight. He has not dated anyone since Ali. He could have sworn… He thinks he was reading all of it wrong. The signals might have been just in his head. Eddie feels so stupid, and hurt, and broken. His eyes are itchy, and he feels a tear fighting to get out of the corner of his eye. He is not the crying type, and he is picking Christopher from school. He does not want to worry him. Most of all, he does not want to explain to his son why he is crying. He rubs his eye with his forearm, clears his throat, and he keeps driving.

Eddie picks up Christopher. He sets his crutches in the back of the car and helps his son get settled. Christopher is chatty, talking about a project they have been working on at school. Some science thing, Eddie is a little distracted. 

“That sounds fun, buddy. Anything else worth mentioning from today?” He says trying to smile, leaving the parking lot

“Yes, our Social Studies teacher, Mr. Wilde, is doing a special thing for Black History Month. Every day he brings up a topic about African-American history, and we have a discussion about it.” Christopher says enthusiastically.

“That is awesome. What are some things you learned this month?” Eddie asks with interest. This school that was costing him a fortune was great in many ways.

“We have learned about Rosa Parks, the bus boycotts, Harriet Tubman, the Selma to Montgomery March, the I Have A Dream speech, school segregation,... all sorts of stuff. It is hard for some students to understand how people were discriminated against by the color of their skin. It is not hard for me, I’ve seen it. I remember hearing people calling us names for being Mexican in Texas…” Chris trails off. 

“You are right, mijo, it is not fair.” Eddie is surprised by how amazingly smart and perceptive his son is. He is also sad that his kid had to live through that shit. He sure felt it all his life, being a Mexican in Texas was hard. It was much easier now in California. He feels bad for Christopher. It sucks that his kid had to learn to deal with racism at such a young age. He is getting really bummed out, and he really does not want to cry, so he tries to change the subject. “What did you learn today?”

“Today we talked about the case Loving v. Virginia, from 1967. Dad, just so you know it was a famous case because the U.S. Supreme Court said that people could get married to anyone from a different race. Isn’t it weird that the Supreme Court had to say that?” 

Eddie chuckles at Chris’ tone. It was so great that the new generations thought this way. There was hope. “That’s right!” He answers to his son.

“We also talk about how in 2015 the U.S. Supreme Court legalized gay marriage too. I can’t believe it was just a few years ago!! My friend Sean was really proud because he has two moms who are married.” 

“Like Karen and Hen.” Eddie said looking at him in the rearview mirror.

“Yeah, or Jane who has two dads like me.”

“Like you?” Eddie says, lifting an eyebrow.

“You and Buck, duuuuh” Christopher said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“But me and Buck are not married…” Eddie says, looking at him in the rearview mirror. 

“Neither are Maddie and Chim, and they are going to be parents.” Man, that little guy was so smart.

“Yeah, but they are going to be a family, and they are romantic with each other…” He is curious to see if Chris would have a comeback.

“So are we! You both take care of me, play with me, do homework, read to me in bed… And you are always hanging out, and when you are not, you are talking, or texting all the time!” Chris said, rolling his eyes a little. 

“Yes but is that love?” Eddie was asking more to himself than to Chris.

Chris pauses for a second, thinking. “Well, I think love is about caring for someone, respecting them, and wanting to be together. So, I think you two love each other. I see how Buck looks at you like you are the best. You look at him that way too. I like when we are all together. You are both my dads. I wish Buck lived with us...” 

“You do?” Eddie asks, surprised. 

“Yeah Dad, I love him! You do too. Plus, you are so much happier when he is around.” Chris answers matter-of-factly, looking out the window without a care in the world. 

Eddie pulls over and stops the car for a second. Chris looks at him quizzically. Eddie turns over to look at Christopher “I am, aren’t I?” Chris nods and smiles.

After a few minutes, Eddie turns to face the road, starts the engine, and keeps driving. Chris adds, “Don’t worry dad, I know Buck is going to live with us one day… We are a family.” He looks out the window, smiling.


	8. Hot date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck's date was totally unexpected....

It is around 10pm. Maddie is on the sofa with her feet up on Chim’s lap. He is giving her a foot massage while they watch some show on the TV. They are just beaming. The “three” of them on the couch, a little happy family. Neither of them have been this happy and in love before. The phone rings, interrupting their intimate moment. They both look at each other scrunching their noses. Who calls at this time? Actually, who calls these days?

“Hey Albert, what’s up brother?” Chim answers the phone, still rubbing Maddie’s feet.

“Hey man, sorry I am calling you so late, but I am not sure what to do…” Albert sounds a little worried. Chim sits up on the couch. In the background, he can hear someone singing very poorly a terrible rendition of “All By Myself” by Celine Dion.

“Is that Buck??” Chim asks Albert.

“Yep. I got here half an hour ago. He is drunk out of his mind. I am trying to get him to go to bed, but he keeps saying that he wants to go to the beach with Christoper and Eddie. I told him it was a little too late to go to the beach. He got so sad... He is standing on the table singing, using an almost empty vodka bottle as a microphone.” Chim snorts when he hears this.

“Put it on speaker…” 

He can hear Albert talking, and the echo of the phone going on speaker mode. “Hey Buck, Chim wants to talk to you”

“Chim?? CHIIIIM?? HI CHIIIIIM!!!!! HOW ARE YOU CHIMMMM??? CHIMMY CHIM CHIM,...” Buck takes a pause. Chim is laughing and decides to turn on the speaker mode so Maddie can hear this too. “CHIM CHIM CHIM, oh Chim chiminey, Chim chiminey, Chim chim cher-ee!, A sweep is as lucky, As lucky can be.” 

“Is that Buck singing Mary Poppins?” Maddie whispers with a puzzled look.

“Yep.” 

“Buck careful with that bottle, man, you are going to hit the lamp. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” Chim can hear Albert trying to reason with him.

“Chim chiminey, Chim chiminey, Chim chim cher-oo! Good luck will rub off when I shake hands with youuuuuuuu...” Buck goes on. Suddenly there is a metal clank sound. “Oopsie daisy!”

“Buck! Hey man, it’s time to go to bed.” Chim says over the phone.

“WHAAAAAT? No, Albert and I are going to hit the town. RIGHT, MAN?” Buck is shouting.

“No dude, you are going to go to sleep now.” Chim is trying to be calm but firm.

“CHIM YOU ARE NO FUN!” Buck is shouting, making dramatic pauses in between the words.

“Come on, don’t make me go to your house, I am giving a foot rub to your pregnant sister.”

“Oooooh man, THAT’S LOVE! I want foot rubs too.” Buck’s tone is a little slurred and sad.

“There is no way I am going to touch your feet, man.” Chim says adamantly. 

“Not you! Eds! You don’t get it, Chim. I want to go to the beach with Eddie and Christopher. He needs to build that castle, with the moat! I need to go back there where everything was like it’s supposed to. And then the lockers, definitely the locker room...” Buck’s voice sounds pasty. 

“A moat? The lockers? What the hell are you talking about? Bro, you gotta go to bed!” Chim raises his voice. 

“Booooh!!! Boring!! Chim chiminey, Chim chiminey, Chim chim CHEREEEEEEEEEEE...” Suddenly everyone gets quiet, “Oh god, I think I am going to be sick...” There is a loud noise on the line.

“What happened? Buck, are you ok?” Chim asks, worried. Maddie grabs his arm.

“He just jumped off the table and started running towards the bathroom. Oh, oh yep yeeeep, he is puking, that’s for sure.” Albert says. “Ok, I think I will be able to put him to bed now. Thanks, brother. Sorry to bother you. Good night.”

“Good night.” Chim and Maddie look at each other, shaking their heads. “Oh boy, I will call Bobby to ask him for a sick day for Buck. There is no way that he can do his shift tomorrow. I will text Albert to let him know.”

“That is a great idea. Just don’t tell Bobby about any of this...” Maddie says, rubbing her belly, concern on her face.

The next morning Eddie drives to work in a crappy mood. He could not sleep thinking about Buck and his stupid date. Did they have a good time? Were they going out again? Did they kiss? He is just going crazy running through all the different scenarios in his head. He gets to the station, and there is no sign of Buck. That pisses him off even more. Was he still with her?

“Morning!” Chim waves to Eddie. Hen walks towards them with a cup of coffee.

“Where is Buck?” She asks.

“He had a date...” Eddie answers trying to hide his feelings.

“Yeah right, with a Russian lady.” Chim laughs.

“Russian lady?” Hen asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Miss Vodka! He did not go out on any date. He was drunk out of his ass yesterday night. Don’t say anything to the captain, but Albert called me yesterday because Buck was in bad shape. When he called, Buck was on top of a table belching Celine Dion.”

“What?” Hen cannot control her laughter. 

“All byyyy myyyy seeeeelffff…” Chim brings his fist towards his mouth like a microphone. 

“No way.” Eddie cannot believe it. Hope and disbelief mixed on his face. 

“Yeah man, and he kept saying that he wanted to go to the beach with you and Chris. Something about a moat… Not sure what was that about... And when I spoke to him, he started singing the chimney song from Mary Poppins. He even said he wanted a foot rub from Eddie. I mean the guy was dru-uuuunk!” Chim shakes his head smiling.

“For reals? A foot rub?” Hen asks, laughing.

“For reals! I told Bobby that he was sick so don’t say anything, alright?” Chim raises his eyebrows looking guilty.

“Yeah, man. Woooooof, I don’t envy the massive hangover the guy is going to have today...” Hen shakes her head.

“You’re right, ouch! Maddie is going to go check on him later though. Anyway, don’t tell Buck I said anything, ok? He is going to be my baby’s uncle, and I don’t want him to be mad at me.” Chim feels mighty guilty for sharing the gossip, but it was so funny he could not resist.

Hen raises three fingers up in the air. “Scout’s honor!”

Eddie is wrapped up in his thoughts. So Buck did not go on a date, why did he lie to him then? Why did he want to go to the beach? Foot rub? The hell? 

“Eddie??” Chim asks moving his hand over Eddie’s face to call for his attention. “You swear?”

“Yeah, yeah, I won’t say a thing.” He really needs to talk to Buck. All of this crap is making him crazy. 

“Buuuuck?” Maddie opens the door to his apartment with her own key. She steps into the apartment. The belly already makes her wobble a little bit when she walks. “Buuuuuuuuck?” 

“Oh my god, Maddie, I love you so much, so so much, but can you please SHUT UP?” Buck groans from the couch, a pillow over his head.

Maddie does not take it personally. She knows her brother well. She goes into the kitchen and fills out a jar with water, grabs a glass, and two pills. She walks towards the couch and whispers “Take this.” Buck drinks a full glass of water, Maddie refills it, and then he takes the pills, drinking another glass. 

He is so massively hungover, but he loves his sister. He grabs her arm, whispering, “Thank you, Mads...”

Maddie smiles at him and goes back to the kitchen. She makes toast, cuts an apple, and arranges the little fractions around the toast just like when Buck was a little kid. She goes back to the couch and hands him the plate.

Buck smiles, “You are going to be a great mom, Mads.”

“You think so?” Maddie rubs her belly instinctively. 

“I know so. You have always been a great mom to me. Always taking care of my sorry ass.” Buck buries his face in his hands. 

Maddie rubs his back “Well, I happen to love your sorry ass.” They sit in silence for a while, Buck eating his toast slowly, drinking lots of water, feeling pukey and dizzy.

“Spill it,” Maddie says, looking at Buck in the eyes.

“What do you mean?” Buck is surprised but quickly looks away. Maddie knows him so well. She is probably reading him like a book right now. He tries to act cool.

“Come on, little brother. Have you realized it already, or do you need me to spell it out for you?” 

“Mads… I can’t… I’m just… I can’t, ok?” Buck moves uncomfortably on the sofa. 

Maddie nods, sits a little comfier on the couch, taking her shoes off, and putting her feet up on the coffee table. She grabs Buck’s hand, rubbing his knuckles. Buck relaxes a little and sits back on the couch. “Whenever you are ready, I will be here. Whatever you decide, I will be here. Whoever you want to be with, I will be here.”

Buck turns to face her, not really sure how she’s always been able to read his mind. Since they were kids, he couldn’t hide anything from her. He remembers never being able to lie to her. To their parents? Sure, many many times. But not to Maddie. Never. He moves his face towards her belly, places his forehead on her stomach, and whispers, “Little one, you are so lucky, you are going to have the best mom in the world… Careful though, she is a mind reader, and that will get you in a lot of trouble.”

Maddie chuckles, lifts an arm for Buck to tuck himself there, resting his head on her clavicle and breast. “It kind of makes sense though, you have always wanted a family. And you are a great dad to Chris already.”

“You think?” Buck tilts his head slightly so he can catch her eye.

“Oh my god yes! That kid adores you. You are his superhero.”

“I love him too. So much…” Buck trails off.

“I know… And you have been searching for a good partner for some time now. Someone to love and to be loved by, someone who respects you, and really sees you. And he does, you know? He really sees you for who you are.”

“I know… that’s why it is so scary. I don’t want to fuck this up. He is my best friend. What if he doesn’t feel the same way?” Buck asks, his voice trembling. 

“Are you kidding? Come on! You can’t be serious. Have you seen how he looks at you? I have known since the beginning. I was just waiting for you to catch up. You have taken your sweet time, brother.”

“Oh god, does Chim know? This is so high school!” Buck sits back up. He covers his face with his hand, he feels his cheeks getting flushed.

“Oh no, he is even more oblivious than you are, and that’s saying a lot...” Maddie chuckles. Then she gets serious, “Hey, I won’t say anything, ok?” She crosses her heart with her finger.

“I am really trying, you know, to be more connected to my feelings. I have been working hard with Dr. Copeland.”

“I know Buck, you are doing great, growing so much. Feeling more comfortable in your own skin.”

“I think that’s the reason why I finally saw it.”

“It only took you two years!” Maddie raises her hands in a sign of victory. Buck flicks her arm a little. Then he tucks himself back under her shoulder, and they both just sit together, their bond stronger than ever.


	9. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck distracts himself by working with Bobby on his day off. Eddie distracts himself in a very different way.

It’s bright and early. The last of the headache seems to have disappeared through the night. The embarrassment though… Drinking a whole bottle of vodka was not his brightest idea, that’s for sure. Thank goodness Maddie came to the rescue. He loved her so much. She was the best sister, and she knew him so well. He did not have to explain himself, she just knew. Maddie just accepted him and loved him for who he was. Buck was lucky to have her. She was so caring, strong, and wise. She was going to be a great mother. Buck couldn’t wait to see her change into her new role. He was so proud of her. Their conversation was playing on repeat on Buck’s head. His sister brought him so much comfort after such a hard week. Was Maddie right about Eddie though? Did he really feel the same way? 

Buck needs a distraction and also a way to feel less guilty. He decides to call Bobby, “Good morning Cap, how are you doing?” 

“I am good, how are you, Buck? Are you feeling better? Chim told me you have the stomach flu or something like that?” Bobby’s voice comes bright and happy over the cellphone. No sign of anger or disappointment, just pure concern. 

Buck breathes, relieved, Chim did not tell Bobby about his drunken night. “Yeah, I am not sure if it is something I ate... but I’m all good now. Thanks.”

“I’m glad!” Bobby sounds chirpy, he was definitely a morning person like Buck. Full of energy the moment he saw the first rays of sun. 

“So I was calling you because I felt bad I had to cancel at the last minute. I would like to try to make it up to you. I know it’s my day off today, but I could work if you need me to.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to rest up?”

“I’m good, seriously.” Buck feels guilty. Bobby was being so nice and caring. He feels like crap for having to lie to him. That is not his style. 

“Ok then, sounds good. Hen, Chim, and Eddie have the day off. But I actually have to go to work. I am scheduled to do some school presentations with the truck. Ten elementary schools. I was going to go on my own, but I would love for you to come along and help me if you are up for it.” Bobby sounds happy, almost relieved he does not have to go alone. 

“Sounds great, actually. You know I love kids.”

“Let’s see if you can say the same by the end of the shift… See you at 9 at the station.”

“Ok Cap, see you at 9.” Buck hangs up and heads for the shower. 

At 8:45 he is climbing up the stairs with two cups of coffee in his hands. “Here you go Cap, black coffee with a splash of half and half,” he opens his backpack and pulls out a paper bag “aaaand a lemon poppy seed scone. I stopped at Blue Jays, the whole place smelled like lemon. Bertha just made them, I ate mine on the way here, couldn’t help myself, you know how good her scones are.” Buck gives him the treat. He feels better, covering up his lies with sweets and coffee drinks.

“Thanks, Buck. You are chirpy this morning, aren’t you?” Bobby opens the treat bag and gives it a big bite, “Oh my god, this is delicious. Bertha is the best.”

“I know! Best bake goods in LA.”

“I agree. Alright, so we have a packed schedule. First, we will head east, and we have five Elementary schools in that area. You know the deal. We go into the classroom first, give them the safety at home presentation. Then we go outside and show them the truck.” Buck smiles anxiously and opens his mouth to talk, “For the millionth time Buck, we cannot honk or push the alarm. It disturbs the other classes and last time one of the principals called the superintendent and we almost got in trouble.”

“But the kids love it and...”

“I said no.” Bobby interrupted him. Buck looks grumpy but he nods. “Ok, let’s roll.”

The presentations go well. Buck is great with the students. Bobby gave the presentation inside the classroom, giving them safety tips, talking to them about what to do in case of an emergency, and reminding the kids to review their evacuation plans with their parents. Buck gave the tour of the truck. He showed the students where all the necessary materials were, explaining how they approach dangerous situations, and how they keep themselves safe. The students were just opening their eyes big, with their mouths in the shape of an O completely engaged. The teachers were also engaged but for different reasons. Buck got a bunch of inappropriate looks, even a couple of comments too. He was glad Eddie was not there, or the teachers would have gone crazy.

Finally, they were in the truck on their way back to the station.

“I think we did great Buck, thank you for coming along. This was a lot more fun with you by my side.”

“Of course, thank you. I think we did great too. We are a good team.” 

“Yes, we are. The kids love you. The teachers seemed to love you too...” Bobby is teasing him. 

“Oh god! Well, it was just because they saw the ring on your finger, so they had to focus their attention on the single guy…” Buck is trying to sound matter-of-factly, but he is not fooling anyone. Buck is a young, strong, and hot firefighter, eye candy for all those teachers that are way too overworked and way too underpaid. 

“Yeah, right…” Bobby says chuckling.

“I’m serious.” Buck smiles looking ahead at the road since he is driving. 

Bobby asks him with curiosity “How many numbers did you get today?”

“A few…” Buck looks a little embarrassed, red on his cheeks. 

“How many?”

“Look it doesn’t matter, I threw them all in a trash can at our last school, ok?” Buck seems serious, which is surprising to Bobby. Truth is, Buck has been tossing a lot of numbers into trash cans for a while now. He just did not really know why. 

“You really have changed, kid.” He says, nodding his head mindlessly. 

“Well, that’s the thing, I am not a kid anymore Cap. I have been working hard, I hope it shows. I am even seeing a therapist now. I am working on my emotions. I want to be better, you know? I want to be someone that you can be proud of.”

“I am proud of you, Buck. You are not the same kid I hired a few years back. In fact, you are not a kid anymore, you are a grown man. Someone who is hard-working, loving, and caring.” Bobby can feel this is important for Buck, and he is not lying to him. Bobby knows him well. He has seen him do some really stupid stuff, but those mistakes were in the past now. Buck was making good decisions, working really hard, he was a great friend to others, he was a good man.

“As you know Bobby, I am not very close to my parents. My mom was absent or crying all my life and my dad, well let’s just say he is not really the warmest. I guess you have noticed by now that your opinion is very important to me. I really care for you and appreciate all that you have done for me. I know it is weird to say that to your boss but…” Buck feels embarrassed and cannot finish the sentence, choking on his emotions.

Bobby places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes it fondly, “I love you too, Buck.” Buck glances at him grinning. He looks right back at the road with glossy eyes. “As you know, I lost my family and I have always considered you to be like my son. And in case you ever doubt it, I am very very proud of you.”

“Thanks, Bobby, I really mean it. And I love, you know that. Oh man, we are so sappy!” They both laugh happily. Bobby wipes a tear from his cheek.

They both clear their throats and start talking about something else. By the time they get to the station and start unpacking, they are in a heated discussion about sports. Buck’s phone makes a chiming sound. He pulls it up checking the screen:

**From Eddie to Buck:** “Feeling better? Chim said you were sick. Wanna hang out?”

Buck feels like he is keeping Eddie at a distance but he cannot help it. He is not ready to see him yet, and he does not want to mess this up. He just needs a little bit more time. He is at work at least for half an hour more, so he is technically not lying when he texts back.

**From Buck to Eddie:** “Sorry I’m at work today. Trying to make up for yesterday’s sick day.”

He pockets his phone and keeps talking with Bobby, trying to not feel bad for avoiding Eddie.

At his house, Eddie is going nuts re-reading Buck’s text, trying to extract all the meaning he can from those two lonely sentences. Is Buck avoiding him?

“What’s going on, Dad?”

“Nada, mijo. Why do you say that?”

“You are biting your nails and tapping your leg on the floor. You are driving me crazy!”

“Sorry, Chris.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chris says with a tone. Eddie throws a pillow at him, his son giggles. 

“Come on, brush teeth and prepare to go to bed, bud.”

“Ok…” Christopher stands up and walks towards the bathroom. 

Eddie is restless. He tries to watch TV but ends up checking his phone every 5 minutes. He hears Chris getting in bed and he goes to his bedroom. They read some books together, say goodnight. Eddie turns off the light and as he is closing the door, Chris says “Everything is going to be alright, Dad.”

He can’t help but smile and answers, “I hope so. Night kid, I love you.”

“Love you too, Daddy.”

Eddie goes to the kitchen and opens a beer. He goes to the living room, turns the light and the TV off. He walks towards the window sipping on his beer. He looks outside, listening to all the sounds of the city. Trying to concentrate on that, and nothing else. But Buck is in his mind, every other thought is about him. In fact, he is all that he can think of. 

_His blond curls combed back._

Eddie knows they need to talk. Buck has been avoiding him but he cannot go on like this. 

_His jawline, so defined and masculine._

He could lose Buck, true. But he could also win so much more. If Buck has feelings for him too…

_His strong muscles, his chiseled body. He longed to bury his head on Buck’s chest._

They could have something good together. They could be a family, like Chris said.

_His red birthmark, stamping him like a scarlet letter. Eddie wanted to lick it, and kiss it, and adore it as it deserved._

Would Buck like that? Would he look at Eddie, undressing him with his blue eyes like he had caught Buck doing in the locker rooms? Did Buck desire Eddie just as much? 

Eddie finishes his beer and heads to his bedroom. He undresses, throwing the clothes on the basket, and goes to the shower. He wants to clear his mind. Stop thinking of the blonde that had set up camp inside his head. For two years he had been waiting. They had been dancing around each other, trying to avoid the fact that there is something between them. 

He plays music on his phone at random. The song Finally from No Mono starts playing. He turns on the shower and gets in. The warm water running down his body. He closes his eyes and tries to relax. That song is not really a good choice. All he can see is Buck, his naked body burnt in the back of his eyelids. The beat starts picking up and he slides one of his hands south. Eddie imagines Buck in the shower with him. He pictures how his body would look like, all wet and soapy like Eddie’s now. What would he give to touch Buck and be touched by him now? He is so turned on, the song, his mind, the water, Buck… 

Eddie starts touching himself, one hand on his cock and the other on his chest. He strokes himself going to the rhythm of the song, picking up the pace. He pinches his nipples softy at first, but then he goes at them a little harder. He is close now, he can sense it. What would Buck feel like inside him, digging his fingers and his length on Eddie’s ass? Everything in his body yearns for the blonde. For the first time in his life, he wants a man to fuck him, and the realization turns him on. He just wanted Buck so badly. Eddie’s hands are moving at a furious pace now on his dick and nipples. Finally, he lets himself go and comes profusely under the water. He places both hands on the shower wall and rests his forehead in the middle trying to catch his breath, his heart pumping fast.

He gets out of the shower, turns the music off, and tucks himself in bed. Like other countless nights, he imagines Buck’s arms wrapping him tight until he falls asleep thinking of those blue eyes that haunt him.


	10. Coffee run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie go on a coffee run together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapters coming up this week :)

“Hey man!” Eddie smiles at Buck as soon as he sees him climbing up the stairs. 

“Good morning everyone!” Buck says looking around to Chim, Hen, Bobby, and quickly sweeping through Eddie.

“I am making breakfast taquitos, interested?” Bobby informs him from the stove.

“Heck yeah! Thanks, Cap. You know I love me some Mexican...” Buck realizes what he is saying a moment too late and freezes on the spot. Bobby cocks his head to the left and stares blankly at Buck. Neither Chim nor Hen seem to have noticed, thank goodness. But Eddie did and is blushing, looking down at his feet. Bobby places a plate of tacos down, and Buck takes a seat at the counter and starts to eat quietly.

The awkward silence is broken by the alarm, everybody but Buck runs out of the kitchen towards the truck. They get in, ready to go.

“Alright, let’s go,” Bobby says to the driver.

“We are not waiting for Buck?” Eddie says concerned.

“No, not today, he is on paperwork duty.” The truck starts moving. 

“Some sort of punishment?” Eddie asks, trying to sound chill and uninterested. 

“No, he actually volunteered. I wasn’t going to let that opportunity pass by without taking advantage of it. You all know how much I hate paperwork.”

Eddie smiles a fake smile and nods. “So does Buck…” he whispers under his breath so no one can hear him. He is very bummed, feeling that he is the reason why Buck suddenly volunteered for doing paperwork for the first time in his career. Actually, Buck is clearly avoiding him. And what was that about the Mexican comment?

It was call after call all day long for the team. Thankfully “easy” calls. No one died, which was a good day. They are all tired, hanging around the kitchen. All but Buck and Eddie, the blonde is working in Bobby’s office, and the brunette is trying to blow some steam at the gym. He is punching that bag like he wants to knock it down. He is so angry and hurt, and he clearly isn’t the best at dealing with his emotions.

Bobby is a good man and a good captain. He prides himself on having strong relationships with his coworkers. He really cares about them. They are a tight family. He can see Buck has been avoiding Eddie, and he sees the other man hurting. He is not really sure what happens, but he has some ideas. He goes into the gym and approaches Eddie. 

“What did this bag do to you?”

“Hi Cap, I’m just training…” Eddie says almost out of breath, drenched in sweat.

“For the Olympics or for murdering someone?” Bobby says sarcastically.

Eddie starts unwrapping his boxing gloves and grabs his water bottle. He drinks about half of it. He sighs loudly.

“Go hit the showers, and let’s talk,” Bobby tells him from the gym door.

Eddie takes a shower and tries to calm down. He gets dressed feeling a little better. He searches for Bobby and finds him waiting for him alone, sitting at a bench in the gym.

“This wouldn’t have anything to do with a mighty goofy blonde…?” Bobby asks Eddie, who sits next to him. Bobby is looking at him fondly with no judgment. Eddie flinches for a second. But then he looks at Bobby and he only sees understanding in his face. Eddie grabs his water bottle and takes a sip instead of answering. The captain goes on. “I think he is going through something, you know?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve noticed…” Eddie says with a tone. 

“He is working with a therapist and I think he is figuring some things out. Did you know he has been telling everyone how he feels about them?”

“Not everyone…”

“I take it he hasn’t talked to you about it yet?” Bobby asks.

“He hasn’t talked to me, period. I think he is avoiding me…”

“He is not! Come on, you’re best friends!”

“Yeah…” Eddie raises his eyebrows, takes a pause. “So what has he been saying?”

“Oh he actually made me cry yesterday, the guy is good with words. Athena was emotional too when he talked to her at the…”

Eddie interrupts him, raising his voice a little bit, “He even talked to Athena?”

“Yes... For what I have pieced together, I think he started with her actually.” Eddie looks mad. Bobby smiles at him. “You are not that thick, right?” 

Now the younger firefighter looked confused. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, Eddie, talking to Athena is easy. There are few emotions there so Buck feels more comfortable starting there. The team, well, that is a little harder. There is a whole of a lot more feelings there.”

“But he has talked literally to everyone! I bet he has had a heart to heart with the mailman by now!” Eddie says bitterly.

“Everyone but you?” Cap replies, understanding how much this is hurting Eddie.

“YES! And it is infuriating!! I am supposed to be his best friend! We hang out all the time!” Eddie raises his hands for emphasis.

Bobby looks at him with his eyes very open as if it was so obvious, “Exactly! You two are very close. There are lots of feelings there. He probably doesn’t know where to start… Do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Eddie, I think you know what I mean.”

“Oh man, I really don’t know anything anymore, Cap. I thought...”

Bobby places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes it tightly. “Give him a break, he is probably trying to figure things out too…” Eddie glances at Bobby. “Just be there for him.”

“What if…” Eddie trails off.

“No Eddie, I just think he needs time to come to terms with his feelings. I wouldn’t worry.”

Eddie nods. They stand up and start walking out of the gym together. Eddie feels better after talking to Bobby. Bobby has a way of calming people.

“Going to make a coffee run, who wants a cup?” Buck calls out to everyone, coming out of Bobby’s office.

“It’s too late on the day, if I have a coffee now Karen will kill me. Thank you though, Buckaroo!” Hen swats a hand in the air.

“Same! Pregnant woman at home, man” says Chim, smiling.

The Captain shakes his head, Buck gives him a thumbs-up, and he is out of the door. Eddie and Bobby exchange looks the captain nods. Eddie runs towards the Jeep and gets in the passenger seat.

“What are you doing?” Buck asks flatly.

“What are you talking about? We always go on coffee runs together.” Eddie says buckling up, calm as if everything was normal, his heart pumping hard inside his ribcage.

“I can get you whatever you want...” Buck starts, but Eddie cuts him off.

“No need, I just wanted to come along for the ride.” Buck holds the steering wheel, but he doesn’t start the car. “Look Buck, I know things have been a little… weird, ok? You are clearly figuring something out, I get it. I just wanted to come along, wanted to be with you, ok? No hidden agenda. No pep talk. I won’t even say a word...” he says, raising his hand in the air looking innocent, “Well, unless you want to talk to me in case I will say something. Ok now I am done, I promise.” Eddie fakes closing his mouth with a zipper. Buck smiles a tiny smile, starts the car, and backs out of the parking spot.

There is an awkward silence wrapping them both like a blanket. “Hey, how about some music? Just press play, let’s see what comes up.”

They have done this a million times. Eddie gets the phone close to Buck so he can press his fingertip on the screen. Buck has his phone connected to the car, so when Eddie pushes play, music fills the car and their silence. 

The firefighters drive quietly just listening to the music. The third song that comes up is “Good day” by SZA. It was not prepared, it was actually a total accident, or maybe a sign? The palms of Buck’s hands start getting mighty sweaty. He imagines that dream where Chris, Eddie and he are at the beach. He can almost feel Eddie’s hands caressing his hair under the sun. He takes the song as a sign to start a conversation because he needs something to get out of this rut with Eddie. He misses him. Realizing that he has all these feelings for the brown-eyed man has been very stressful, so many questions. He knows he just needs to let go, talk to Eddie and be truthful, but he can’t yet. He decides to ask Eddie a question to distract himself and, well, because he is curious about what his answer might be. 

“What do you feel when you listen to this song?” Buck asks.

Eddie looks at him confused, but this is the first time Buck is talking to him. “I don’t know the lyrics man, this is the first time I am listening to this song...”

“No, not the lyrics, not what she is saying... What does it make you _feel_?” He says, emphasizing the word “feel”.

Eddie doesn’t want to upset Buck, now that he is finally talking to him, so he starts saying, “You know I am not really good with this “feelings” thing…“ Buck looks disappointed and sad, he tightens his grip on the steering wheel as he presses his lips together. Eddie can feel that somehow this is important for Buck, so he adds, “Ok, give me a second.” He sits back, closes his eyes, and listens to the song for a minute. Buck gives glances at him with the corner of his eye, expectantly.

Eddie keeps his eyes closed while he moves his head slightly feeling the rhythm of the music. Images start floating in his brain: Christopher and him playing in the sun with Buck, Buck and him watching a movie with Chris on the floor playing legos. But then the song gets deeper into his brain. He sees Buck in his kitchen sipping on a beer and talking with him, he sees the flirty smiles between them, how Buck’s eyes shine differently when Eddie is around, he sees Buck at work looking at him, or playing pinball together… He sees Buck, his blue eyes looking at him making him feel dizzy and warm. He smiles with his eyes still closed. Buck looks at him and relaxes his grip on the steering wheel.

“I guess it makes me feel like when you are in love, like when you feel the tingle in the belly, when you don’t yet know what the other person feels, but you are hopeful… I don’t know Buck, I am terrible at this… Ok, ok, let me try again… like, it is a sunny day, and you and your person are having a beer and you are smiling and flirty because you know it may happen… You don’t know yet how or when, or even what it is going to look like, but you can feel the chemistry and that makes you happy and warm inside,” Eddie opens his eyes looking like he stepped out of a trance. He combs his hair with his fingers, a nervous tick, and looking at Buck he asks, “Does that answer your question?”

And for the first time in a week, Buck looks at Eddie and smiles. It is for a fraction of a second before he shifts his focus back to the road, but Eddie finally feels like he can breathe again. They do not say anything else for the rest of the ride but Eddie feels better now. Somehow he knows he answered correctly. He doesn’t know what it meant to Buck, but he feels hopeful.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love some feedback since I am pretty new to writing fics. Kudos are always appreciated.
> 
> Please be kind, English is my second language :)


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